Discussion:Humor help requested

What I need is a joke or very short humorous story to say, maybe a one liner or two that has to do with:

• ladders

• climbing

• step up

or the like to break the ice with at the beginning of the talk.

Any ideas, you creative financial people, you?

You know that I teach CPE. I'm working on something for that.

Note that ladder brings to mind some traumatic event with the father. Both in practice (Dad "I know I have that tool!" "Falling". Tools falling, paint falling.) And more broadly, authority figures in general : climbing the ladder to sucess etc.

• For some of you, the ladder may be too short...
• Start off with a rant about Gravitation... [[1]] then say oh that was my speach yesterday...

TexCPA 12:46, 24 January 2009 (CST)

Their putts.

“This isn’t my real ladder, it’s only my step-ladder.”

My real ladder recently got divorced. So now I’ve got this step-ladder.

Q. How do you get a blond to climb on the roof?

A. Tell her that the drinks are on the house.

Q. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?

A. To see what was on the other side.

Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

There was an Irish man who wanted to measure a ladder.

He leaned the ladder against the wall and started measuring the ladder with a tape as he climbed up the ladder.

A little boy saw him half up the ladder and wondered what he was doing or rather, trying to do.

Little boy: Hi. What are u doing sir?

Irishman: I'm trying to measure the ladder.

Little boy: Why did you have to lean the ladder against the wall to measure it? Why not place the ladder on the ground and measure it.

Irishman: ... busted into laughter and said "You fool. I'm trying to measure the height and not the length".

Why did the kid bring a ladder to school?

Because she went to High School.

Q. How many [insert target group here] does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Ten — one to hold the light bulb and nine to turn the ladder around.

Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus?

A: He wanted to sing higher!

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes".

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

When the ladder was stolen from the store, the manager said that further steps will be taken.

One night, on the way to yet another speech, Kevin turns to the driver: "You know, I really don't feel like giving a speech tonight."

The driver says: "That's OK, I have the thing down cold. I'll do it for you." "For real?" "No problem."

So they stop the car and exchange clothes. The driver walks into the auditorium, dressed impeccably in Kevin's Armani suit, gives the speech, and Brother, he NAILS it!

Feeling pretty confident, the driver asks if there are any questions. Some smary-aleck guy stands up and asks an incredibly complex tax question.

The audience gasps at the complexity of the question.

The driver says: "I guess you think that's a pretty tough question..."

Points to Kevin...

"Actually, its so simple, even my driver can answer it!"

By the way, the step ladder is in the trunk, along with the briefcase.

That might not be PC. But, I don't go in for jokes per se, I like stories.

Finish this sentence for me, everyone:

You might be wondering why I'm carrying this ladder today. It's because......

(something funny to do with taxes, the economy, the stock market, etc.)

'Does anyone want to join the Ladder Day Saints?"

Why a duck?

(with apologies to Groucho)

I want to help taxpayers step down to a lower bracket.

You don't have the gas money to get to a bridge, and you've decided to end it all.

After Katrina, I'm always prepared.

The Stairway to Heaven was just foreclosed on, and this was all that was left of it.

(or "I was going to rent the Stairway to Heaven for my talk today, but I found out it was foreclosed on just this morning")

You've been hired to change over the Presidents picture in all the federal buildings around town. or

I just got through hanging President Obama's picture down to the Tax Court this morning. You ever wonder about that, who changes all those thousands of presidential pictures around the country? Let me tell you what I heard.

Why would a man in a suit all the sudden be seen wandering around town toting a ladder. Why don't we see more of them? Perhaps they are there, and we just not notice them. lol.

Generally, you have two problems here. You're prop is kinda tough, and even the best comedians have a tough time warming up a crowd of CPA's and EA's. Though professional engineers are probably the toughest to subdue.

Just this morning though, I thought I had spotted the blue bird of happiness outside my window, but it turned out to be a flashback from some acid I'd dropped on a trip to the beach in 1978. It seems to be triggered whenever I eat Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter cereal, my favorite (come to think of it, maybe it wasn't the acid).

But since you are insistent on the ladder, have the duck walk on stage and climb the ladder....it's the ladder of success....everyone knows that!

Crow, come here and help....the blue bird of happiness is always crapping on my car.

Actually, with the step-ladder purchase I'm already over budget.

David, I have a mulberry bush adjacent to my property. I get no silk worms, but the purple juice of the berry, or whatever it is, finds itself being spread far and wide by the birds around here.

Tax season already? Sometimes the obvious hits us between the eyes, but all too often it just sneaks up on us. Here are 10 Ways to Recognize Tax Season:

You can't finish a thought without: the phone ringing, another file being placed on your desk, a client walking in, or another tax return being added to your to do list.

You re-heat your first cup of coffee ten times in 2 hours, and still haven't finished it yet!

The office puppy leaves a present on the carpet by your desk because you ignored the bell she rang (often, over 3 hours) to go outside.

You come in at 7 a.m., blink, and it's 5 p.m.

Your stomach growls around 3 p.m. to remind you that your lunch is waaaay overdue.

You have lots of copies to make and your copier is sabotaging the process.

You can't find your desk.

You wear "senior underwear" because you don't have time to run to the bathroom.

You have 3 or more band aids on your fingers from paper cuts.

You have clients calling in January to set up an appointment for April 14th.

With an adult dog, it seems about every hour or so, my elbow is nudged as I type....Watson wants me to play fetch with him outside.....actually it is a good thing for it reminds me that this too shall pass.